NIP and other scandals

It had to happen - it was mostly just a matter of how long it would take.  The answer?  15 months and 20 days.  That's how long it took to get my first disgusted, scandalized, you-are-not-normal stares for NIPping (nursing in public) my toddler.  It never ceases to amaze me that people think that breastfeeding your child is shameful, perverted, or whatever flavor of odd they happen to think it is.  What is wrong with our culture when flashing naked breasts in a movie occasions very little comment (it's even a good thing for a lot of folks), but a woman using her hooters (sorry) for their intended biological purpose is disgusting beyond belief?  Not that I wasn't prepared for it - I've been going to La Leche League meetings since I was still pregnant and I've heard tales from other mamas who (as we are) are doing child-led weaning and have had to put up with some truly amazing behavior from people around them.  I'm a huge fan of evidence-based decision making, and I almost hope that someone actually says something to me so that I can share some stats on the higher IQs and better health (both physically and psychologically) of children nursed into their toddler years.  It takes a lot of guts, I think, to do this, but it makes me feel kind of perversely joyous.  I feel like NIPing is courageous and normalizing in and of itself, but nursing a toddler is even more so.  People who might not really think much about the fact that you were breastfeeding an infant will almost definitely notice that you're nursing a toddler.  With all the gyrations required to make it happen (both from you and your acrobatic offspring) it's almost impossible to do it on the QT.  A woman said to me recently (knowing that I'm still nursing) that it was all well and good to breastfeed a baby, but when they were old enough to come up and ask for it, then it was time to quit.  Assuming that our kiddo was preverbal, she obviously felt like she was in the clear to offer such an opinion.  Little did she know that my daughter DOES ask to nurse (through sign language), and has for quite some time.  We were at a party, and I was dying for the kiddo to walk up to me right about now and ask for milk, but alas she didn't.  I got a good chuckle, though.   

We're also one of those families who bought a crib but who have to take a few minutes to clear it out (it's usually full of books, laundry, toys, etc) if we ever actually want to put our kid in it.  We set it up as a side car before the kiddo was born, and at times she slept in it as such, but for safety reasons we lowered the mattress and put the side rail back when she started pulling up.  That was pretty much the end of her sleeping in the crib.  Even though it's still right beside our bed, it's too much trouble to lift her in and out, especially to try and put her back without waking her after a nursing session, so for the last few months she's been sleeping between us in our bed.  Given how poor a sleeper our daughter is, having her right there in bed with me has been a lifesaver.  It's so much less disruptive than having to actually get up out of bed and go somewhere else to attend to your child.  And the family bed has jibed well with our general philosophy of making our child feel as safe and secure as possible while she's forming these early impressions of what kind of a place the world is.  To the extent that I think we've had anything to do with it, it's very rewarding to see the confidence, openness and love she displays when she interacts with the world. 

We've been lucky to be surrounded by supportive family and friends, so we've been spared a lot of the trials many people go through when choosing to parent attachment style, but every now and then we're reminded that this isn't the dominant praxis in our culture.  Our daughter's ridiculously awful sleep situation is something that usually comes up at some point in our conversations with people, and I'd say 90% of the advice we've gotten (sometimes solicited and sometimes not) involves letting her cry it out.  This is something we're absolutely not willing to do under any circumstances as it's totally outside the attachment philosophy.  I'd rather deal with the situation we have going on now than feel as though I had "broken her spirit" as one CIO advocate wrote, as if that were a good thing.  I'm convinced that for those who do CIO and have "success" there's actually a play-now-pay-later dynamic at work.  I've looked at some studies on CIO and they seem to suggest that any short term "fix" results in poorer sleep later in childhood as compared to children who were not subjected to CIO.  What appears to happen is that CIO kids give up when they realize their cries for security and reassurance are going to be ignored, and this creates a fear imprint associated with bedtime that manifests at some future point as (among other things) refusal to go to bed, refusal to stay in bed, and problems with nightmares.  CIO kids learn that bedtime is a fearful, lonely time and so it stands to reason that kids who haven't been forced to CIO feel more positive and secure when they become independent sleepers.  Numerous studies have shown that cosleeping children grow up to have higher self esteem, a lower incidence of stress disorders, perform better acdemically, have fewer behavioral problems, and are generally healthier than adults who were abandoned to sleep independently from a very early age.  Some interesting reading on the benefits of cosleeping can be found here, here, and here.     

It's frustrating that a lot of people assume that our daughter's nighttime issues are a result of cosleeping.  Most families I know who cosleep report that they actually sleep better than families who spend all night being woken up by their children as they get out of bed repeatedly.  But there's this persistent belief in our culture that "good" babies go to bed early, in their own bed, and don't bother their parents until morning.  Other variations on nighttime behavior are due to the children having "problems." It also reflects poorly on the parents, who are seen to be failing somehow in their job of parenting.  But babies who sleep independently through the night because their parents have done CIO are not necessarily good sleepers, they've just learned that efforts to get their nighttime needs for nurture met are futile.  What you're seeing is resignation, not obedience.  I think, a lot of the time, people's rush to judgement comes from an insecurity about their own child's bedtime "performance."  Numerous studies on cosleeping have found that parents significantly under-report bed sharing behavior in their own homes, no doubt because there's such a social stigma attached to it.  People also want to know when we are going to kick her out so that she can start being an independent adult-in-training.  I really would like to know where we got this idea that babies should be independent.  They're BABIES, for crying out loud.  I want to tell people studies have found that cosleeping children develop into MORE independent adults than their peers who were forced to sleep alone, contrary to what nature obviously intended.  It makes sense - everything in their lives is met from a place of greater confidence, a place where they feel secure with themselves and with their value in the world.  Traditional cultures the world over follow this practice, and if there are whole countries out there that are wracked with dependence and immaturity, I've yet to hear of them.  I believe children need work at independence on their own timetable and that if I create an environment in which my child feels safe and secure and loved, her independence will flow naturally from that.  Furthermore, that feeling of safety and security and self-worth will be the ground from which she approaches every experience in her life.  I don't know when the kiddo will move to her own bed or her own room.  We'll do it when it feels right for all of us.  Right now, we love our family bed.

It takes something of a warrior spirit to attachment parent.  Parenting is hard enough, and it's even harder when you are swimming against the mainstream.  I wouldn't do it any other way, though.